The Angel and Me
Something...or someone, urged me on.
I walked slowly down the tree lined path. The sun had set hours
ago in a blaze of gold crimson glory. A ball of unearthly fire,
settling silently between the snow capped peaks which formed the
backdrop to my journey. The force and strength of nature was very
strong here. Almost an entity unto itself. Towering evergreens
pointed their prickly fingers towards the star studded night sky.
The cold full moon hovered accusingly overhead. Casting it's ethereal
light down onto the seldom traveled path on which I walked. The
aroma of fresh earth, healthy vibrant foliage and musky unidentifiable
odors cloaked my senses like a blanket. A constant reminder that
I was a visitor to this place. A foreign object placed by fate
to walk the path to whatever destiny lay ahead. My shadow lay
behind me in an ever shifting pattern. Much like the thoughts
and memories which lay scattered and restless in my weary consciousness.
My journey had been long. Tiring. Exhausting. Every step taken,
every moment lived, every tick of the clock since my birth had
led me to this place. To the silent communion with nature and
all of her awesome beauty. Towards something I could neither anticipate
nor understand. Or towards someone.
These thoughts and hundreds more careened through my mind like
a roller coaster out of control. Peaks and valleys and twists
and turns. Each sharper and more intense than the rest. I tried
in vain to examine each as it passed but before I could even glimpse
the meaning it was gone, followed rapidly by others in a seemingly
never ending train of lost dreams and near forgotten memories.
But still I walked onward. Head down, shoulders hunched and pulled
inward against the deepening chill of the evening. Soft, cold
breezes whispered through the trees, brushing briefly against
my exposed face and arms. Leaving behind a tingle of coolness
which quickly dissipated only to be replaced by another. I could
clearly see the treetops, glistening in the cold moonlight, sparkling
as if diamond dust had been sprinkled amongst the branches. But
the overhang of the limbs absorbed the light before it could reach
the path I tread upon. It was dark and jagged. A victim of the
violent forces of nature's unending desire to reshape and reform
it's own creations.
I had chosen the path on a whim. I had undertaken many journeys
in my life. Not often straying from the more traveled and familiar
roads. Only on rare occasions veering into unknown and uncharted
country. And even then, only briefly. Experimentally. Always keeping
the light and warmth of civilization within my range of sight
or hearing. But the journey was different. Vastly and importantly
different. The path had called to me. Unexpectedly and almost
without thinking I had stepped onto the rough trail with no intentions
or desire to turn, or even look back. I had become much too accustomed
to the normalcy and predictability of my life to that point. The
boring, daily rituals of survival and progress towards some undefined
and undesired goal. The methodical living of life, for the mere
sake of putting one day in front of the other. It was time. Time
for a change, time for taking chances while there were still chances
to take. Before the warm embrace of disenchantment and acceptance
of the inevitable became the security blanket encompassing my
dreams. And dreams I had had plenty of...perhaps too many.
Dreams of love, and family, and friendship, and everlasting companionship.
And all the things that everyone dreams of. Normal dreams. But
as life had taught me, and taught me well, the simpler dreams
may sometimes be the hardest to attain. It seemed my entire life
had evolved into a search. A search for meaning in an often meaningless
world. A world where friendship was just a word with little meaning.
Where people formed connections and bonds between one another
without any thought to the consequences and responsibilities involved
in developing and holding on to the relationship. Friendships
of convenience. Not a search for common goals and desires. Or
a journey of enlightenment or enrichment. Just a passing acquaintance
with no commitment. No depth. No hope for anything more. It was
not enough and it had never been enough. And it would never be
enough for me. So the search continued. And I walked. Head down,
eyes in deepest shadow, looking inward for something and reaching
outward with my soul for something more.
My journeys had taken me many places. Not only locations. But
also deep within the hearts of those I met along the way. My talent
for finding the essence of another person was well developed and
strong. Ever hopeful, almost naive, in my quest to find something
meaningful and important to hang my hopes around. I held little
back. Once I felt I had been allowed entrance into another person's
inner persona, I gave all I had to show them the depth and breadth
of my sincerity. The force of my love. The focus of my attention.
I was often misunderstood by those who had little or no depth
of their own. Sometimes thought of as being too serious. Too intense.
Too questioning and inquisitive. Asking for more than they could
offer. And more often than not, the door would then be closed
and I was left staring blankly at the impenetrable wall of self-protection
that others would construct to keep me at a safer distance. I
knew these things in my heart. I was well aware of my own nature.
For I had spent as much time searching inwardly as I had in attempting
to reach out to others.
On occasion, I had tried hard to control my own impulse to dig
deeper into another's emotional center. But I had walked away
from the experience feeling cold. Distant. Empty and frustrated.
And very, very lonely. In time I came to accept the fact of my
nature and reached a sort of unstable truce between my desire
for love and friendship and my need to know others more intimately.
I tried to find a balance and kept my distance from most people
entirely. Relying on my senses and intuition to tell me when someone
else might be a likely target of my emotional onslaught. And my
search continued. Rarely, and all too briefly, I would see a spark
of hope in the eyes or countenance of another person. My heart
would beat faster and my emotional radar would alert me to the
possibility that I had found what I so deeply and unquestionably
desired. I would make the first tentative gestures towards that
person. Gently, soulfully, and carefully reaching out with my
words and my actions to test the waters of friendship I sensed
might flow deeply within that person's soul. I would hold back
only long enough to insure that person understood me and wanted
to know me better. And when that moment came, I would pour my
thoughts and feelings out like a torrent of flood waters breaking
through the dam of my own protective walls. Using these methods
I had managed to collect a small but important group of friends
who could withstand the intensity of my friendship. Bonds were
formed that were sure to last a lifetime and possibly even beyond
if there was anything beyond.
But the forces of time and distance and life's ever changing course
of events would inevitably separate me physically from each of
these friends. The bonds would remain strong but stretched over
great distances making it impractical to do more than nurture
the relationships by telephone calls and letters. Neither of which
there ever seemed to be enough time to keep up with. So, while
the connections would be strong and meaningful they were not present
in my day to day life. Just pieces of warmth and comfort that
I carried with me on my journeys. And the thing that escaped me
and troubled me the most is that I had never been able to translate
my success with friendship into a romantic relationship. While
friendship can often survive the stress and turmoil of separation,
love rarely can. It has to be tended daily. Nurtured constantly.
Developed and grown by the constant interaction and reaction of
the two people in love. So my search continued.
These thoughts and many others marched one after another through
my mind as I walked down that rough path under the cold full moon.
Towards something or someone that I could neither see nor understand.
But the attraction and the strength of my intuition was undeniable.
I had never felt it so strongly before in my life. Something was
calling to me. Silent but strong. Urging me onward. Far from any
place my experience and travels had ever led me before. And it
filled me with a quiet and somewhat fearful discomfort at the
same time that it promised something so much more. Whatever waited
ahead was meant to be. Of that I had no doubt. Not some accidental
or chance encounter like most I had experienced in my past. The
was much more instinctual. Elemental. If there was such a thing
as destiny or fate that existed in the real world, the must be
the feeling that it exhibited to those who fell under its spell.
A tangible feeling that hovered just out of reach but could be
felt inwardly just the same. A magnetic force drawing me from
my present to an uncertain but important future. I didn't question
the sensation or try to understand it in any logical way. I knew
it would be a vain and senseless attempt had I tried to do more
than follow that path to it's mysterious conclusion.
The night had grown colder. The moon higher and if possible, even
brighter. And the shadows that stretched out before and behind
me, denser. More defined. Coalescing into some sort of dark, almost
solid, carpet on which my tired feet labored to gain a more sure
footing. The bright pinpoints of starlight intermingled with the
sparkles of frost now forming on the tips of the thick growth
of evergreens lining the path. It was as if my journey had suddenly
become some surreal encounter with an alien land. Where fairies
and angels lived and danced. Sprinkling the environment with dust
of diamonds and silver tendrils of frozen lace. The air seemed
thinner somehow. More devoid of oxygen. The fog puffs of my breath
were quickly swept away by the increasing strength of the cold
wind. And as it blew threw the trees, the sound was that of a
high pitched animal whine. A very lonely and painful sound. Much
like the sound of my own breathing as I took deeper and deeper
breaths, trying to pull the air far into my lungs which hungered
for the oxygen it provided. The forest seemed empty of life. Frozen.
As if time had stood still and paralyzed the life within. The
sound of my footsteps rustling against the fallen needles and
twigs and the sound of the wind the only noises I could hear.
The silence of broken hearts and dreams forgotten. And I felt
very, very alone. A solitary living soul walking slowly through
a near frozen world.
I briefly entertained thoughts of turning back. Forsaking the
scary and uncertain world for the more familiar, yet no less lonely,
world to which I had become uncomfortably and unhappily accustomed.
A world full of pain and disenchantment, but one for which I had
developed the necessary survival skills and one which, if not
enjoyed, at least I understood. But even as these thoughts flickered
like haunting fireflies through my mind I knew there would be
no turning back. The force which drew me onward through the cold
darkness was much stronger than the force of my will. It was hypnotic,
irresistible, and strangely comforting. Like the unearthly call
of whales singing their indecipherable songs of the sea. Powerful,
mournful, all encompassing, and unrelenting. So I hunched my shoulders
more tightly against the growing chill and, head down, walked
onward towards that mysterious place called destiny.
As I walked further and further along the path time seemed to
lose all meaning. I could have been walking for hours, or days,
or months. Each step was like the ticking of some maniacal clock
which had lost it's sense of timing. A second was a minute. An
hour was a day. An eternity was no more than a moment's wrinkle
in the fabric of time. My only reference point for the passage
of the strange untime was the changing position of the
moon. I distinctly remembered it being directly overhead. Yet
now, either the trees had grown much taller or it had slipped
closer to the horizon. It's previously unblemished edges were
now gouged by the towering trees. Darkly glistening points of
blackness, taking small bites of the sinking orb. A quick, almost
guilty, glance backward confirmed the change in the angle of light
since I could see my shadow lengthened. Stretching further in
the darkness of the narrow path. I had the strange sensation that
my shadow was holding back. Unwilling to accompany me on the fateful
journey. That a small and immeasurable part of me had melted into
the shadow which faltered like an unwilling puppy on a long leash.
Not wanting to progress further. Wanting to rest. Reassemble.
But I quickly dismissed the thought as a fantasy born of my growing
exhaustion and weariness. A momentary lapse of reason. A slip
After my mind focused briefly on the bizarre awareness I came
to a split in the path. An almost perfect Y in the trail. Each
arm stretching out further and deeper into the forest. I knew
there would be no signs to help guide me in my selection at this
point. But I knew I must choose. And choose quickly. My level
of weariness had grown to the point of being almost consuming.
I was beginning to have thoughts of spreading my backpack out
along the edge of the path for a much needed and desired rest
from the seemingly interminable journey. But I also knew to do
so would invite almost certain death. The temperature had dropped
to near zero and I was ill prepared to spend the remainder of
the evening sleeping on the frozen ground. The elements of nature
would be quick to point out their superior powers over my mortal
frailties. And I would die a cold meaningless death in a place
where my body might never be found. Unloved and unmissed. It was
not an alternative. For a moment I felt an unnatural but strong
sense of panic and defeat. Either path, or both, could lead me
towards what might be my final resting place. Or to eternal happiness
I strained my eyes into the darkness of each path in a futile
attempt to see what terror or beauty might lie ahead. But even
as I did so I knew there would be nothing to see. It was much
too dark. One path may have seemed somewhat smoother and more
comfortable but the other seemed to slope gently downward towards
what could be a lower elevation and a promise of more air to breath
and possibly even more warmth. But I knew that my mind could well
be playing tricks on me. Darkness, coldness, exhaustion and loneliness
could combine to twist the mind into believing anything it chose
to believe. And I knew that regardless of the path I took, there
again would be no turning back. The one constant guiding force
in my life had always been to make a decision based on the perceived
risks and stick to it regardless of the outcome. To do otherwise
represented failure and a paralyzing inability to make any choice
at all. To be a pawn and a slave to fears and misgivings that
fill everyone's life to some extent. To choose not to decide is
still to have made a choice, and almost unerringly, the wrong
one. I had learned many times over that chances must occasionally
be taken, and hard choices made, if there was any hope for maintaining
ones free will. The alternative was to be forever trapped in a
meaningless existence where all the decision about ones own life
were made by others. And usually the others had no clue or insight
into what your happiness and comfort consisted of. I had spent
a fair amount of time being dictated to and directed by other,
less enlightened fools who had known little of my desire to make
a difference in the lives of the ones I loved and cared for. By
people who lived their lives and made their decisions on how I
should live mine, based on ill conceived and inapplicable rules
garnered from some book or manual on how to be happy and fulfilled.
I lived and breathed a different reality. One in which you had
to be your own self and follow your own ideas even when it left
you out of the mindless crowd of trend followers. The world where
most people lived and searched for their version of happiness
through new age remedies and principles delivered by some self
proclaimed messiah of infinite knowledge. A false world. A world
full of lies and deceit and unwillingness to accept responsibility
for ones own failures and mistakes in judgment. I had lived in
that world for too long. Watching the people play their games
and wear their masks and stab their neighbors and transient friends
in the back to gain some worthless and meaningless power that
only harmed the people who didn't deserve the damage. I had decided
long ago that I would live by my own rules and principles and
ideas or I would not live at all. I was in possession of a sincerity
and depth of thought uncommonly encountered and even less often
understood. And while much of my time was spent alone, isolated,
and distant from the human contact that I so greatly desired I
still considered it time well spent. My success or failure in
my decisions and in my life were my responsibility and mine alone.
Thus far I had not succeeded in finding my special place in the
world or in the heart of someone I could love and who could love
me forever. But at the same time, I had found a place within myself
that was comfortable, and meaningful, and worthwhile. Though often
lonely, I was at least free of guilt. And though I might reach
the end of my final journey this night, in this place, I would
do it with the comforting and guiltless thought that I had given
everything I possessed to find and live the dreams I held most
dear and important to my existence. And that I didn't have to
step on or belittle anyone else to get there.
I did not consciously think of these things as I stood quietly
facing the dissecting paths which lay before me. But I felt the
strength and power of those convictions. They flowed through me,
as they always had, in a constant current of feelings and emotions.
My reality was one of sensation. When presented with a challenge
or a problem in my life I would initially withdraw into that flow
within. My logical mind would examine the possibilities and implications
as they became known but my soul would attempt to grasp the deeper
meanings. Not always to find a solution as much as to decipher
my own inner feelings on the event. Unconsciously I would look
at it from many angles. Not just the possible effects my decisions
might have on myself, but how it might touch others in my life
and in my heart. The one most important guiding principle in my
life was that of living quietly, thoughtfully, and carefully,
so as to avoid injury to myself, but even more so, to prevent
any irreparable damage to others. I well understood the fact that
I was not alone in the world and it did not revolve around my
dreams or goals in life. There were many others, some considered
friends, some strangers, who co-existed in my world. And they
were no more or less important than myself. I knew that choices
I made and actions I took could affect many people. Both innocent
and otherwise. People I cared for, people who cared for me, and
people I had never even known. I believed that for every action
there was an effect which flowed outward. Like a ripple in a pool.
And I understood that those ripples could travel very far. Touching
people who might have no real connection to the initial action,
but who could be influenced by it all the same. And most of my
life was spent trying desperately to avoid taking any steps that
could lead to any degree of torment or discomfort to others. I
had traveled many roads in my life, made many choices, and on
too many occasions, forsaken many dreams. Many people had passed
in and out of my life like waves on the shores of some distant
beautiful island. I had known some of the people intimately, some
hardly at all, but everyone I met left something for me to consider.
Like pieces of driftwood or random bits of shells. Each person
had colored my life in some way. Added something, and on occasion,
taken something away. But I had made every effort to leave something
behind in them as well. A warm thought, a kind gesture, or something...anything,
to make their lives seem somewhat more important and valid. A
precious few of those people became lifelong friends and rarely,
soul mates. But no one had ever become an enemy.
But none of this, nothing I had learned, nothing I knew, and nothing
I had ever felt, had prepared me for what lay before me this night.
I stood silently, shoulders slumped as if the weight of the world
lay resting there. The cold had turned bitter. It sucked the warmth
from my body like some kind of malevolent sponge. The frozen ground
on which I stood had stretched it's icy tendrils into my feet
and legs. A numbness was spreading slowly through my limbs as
my body re-directed the blood flow to my vital organs. The moon,
which had previously lit the night sky like an accusing spotlight
had sunk even lower behind the tree line. Darkness settled more
tightly around me as the paths before me sunk ever deeper into
the shadows of the night. My earlier feelings of near panic and
fear had been replaced by a strange calmness. Snowflakes began
to fall, or rather, were being blown by the quickening wind across
my rapidly shrinking field of vision. In greater and greater numbers
they fell. Touching my frigid skin and leaving sensations of tiny
flames as they struck, then melted, on my face and arms. The sky
had suddenly grown gray and thick. The stars extinguished by the
rapidly shifting storm clouds. But I felt none of this. I had
withdrawn into that place deep inside of myself where I escaped
when faced with a personal crisis such as this.
I forced myself to concentrate on the force which had drawn me
to this place. The energy which had been pulling me along was
even stronger now. I could sense a change in the flow of that
power. A greater urgency. The darkness of my surroundings was
all encompassing now. There was no external stimulus to distract
me from the decision I had to make. The clouds, the stars, the
moon, and the divergent paths themselves disappeared as I slipped
deeper and deeper into my inner self. I no longer felt the cold,
or the stinging bite of the snow flakes gathering on my skin and
in my hair. The howling winds whipped around me like a cold blanket
of death but I neither heard nor felt their deadly strength. I
focused on the essence of the force itself. I closed my eyes against
the night and the memories and the broken dreams of the past.
All that mattered and all that would ever matter was the here
and now. My next step would be the first step towards what could
be the final and most important choice in my life. And perhaps
the choice that would lead me blindly to my death. Everything
that had come before, every step, every person, every experience,
lost all significance. They were but tattered remnants of all
my possible pasts and had little or no bearing on my possible
future. The life I had led and the people and experiences that
had colored my life were only momentary rest stops in the journey
I now found myself embarked upon. I became disconnected from the
environment and could almost feel all the chains and shackles
of my past loosen around my heart. The walls I had built were
not so much crashing around me as fading into obscurity leaving
me open and exposed to the call of my own private destiny.
I meditated, perhaps even slept...dreamed, for several minutes,
or hours, or eternitys. And I became one with the force which
had drawn me to the fateful and lonely place. I began to realize
that it was not a place at all. It was a separate and distinct
state of being. A life choice. A condition of awareness.
Something beyond reason, beyond faith, beyond the force of life
itself. Then I opened my heart to the force. All logical thought
ceased. I became a blank page. An undiscovered and undeveloped
shadow of my perceptions. And even as my soul emptied itself of
the previously unanswered and often unspoken prayers of desperation
I could feel the light of love and future promises fill my consciousness.
Then I opened my eyes against the raging storm. But there was
no storm. No wind. No darkness. Just warm beautiful sun light,
streaming through the trees. The light of a thousand sunrises.
Orange and yellow and red. Cotton candy colors of the rainbow.
Reflecting through the deep earthy green of the towering trees.
Shafts of sunbeams reaching through the branches to caress my
skin like the fingers of an angel. For a moment I became disoriented
to time and place and self. Though I did not discount miracles
I had never been the recipient of one. It was if I had awakened
from a dream of a thousand years. Awakened into another world,
another time. Transported through a rift in the fabric of the
universe itself into a parallel world. I experienced a brief episode
of sensory and cognizant overload. The force which had brought
me here seemed to be a living entity. A golden light, a halo of
promise and wonder seemed to be everywhere. Reflecting from the
trees and the ground and my very flesh. My mind could not comprehend
the change in every aspect of my surroundings and threatened to
abandon the reality of what I saw and push me into the very realms
of madness. I felt as if I had been forcefully awakened from a
dream of falling from a great height. I felt weightless and insignificant
and doomed at the same time I realized that I was safe in a most
beautiful and enchanting world. The sun rising over the trees
in the eastern sky threw bright sparks of color through the frost
glazed plants and flowers which bloomed in abundance and radiant
glory at my feet. Before my eyes could focus, or my mind even
comprehend what had happened I felt the sharp pinpricks of sensation
returning to my near frozen limbs and face. My entire body tingled
and vibrated with the new found flow of blood and emotion as I
was overcome with the beauty of the world in which I found myself
suddenly thrust. I tried in vain to absorb every new sight and
sound as I surveyed my altered surroundings. The mournful cry
of the wind had been replaced by the whisper of cool mountain
breezes slipping softly through the trees. And beneath the cool
comfort of the morning breeze I could still feel the strong and
insistent pull of the force which had called me to this place.
Slowly, my focus returned. In bright clarity I surveyed the breathtaking
panorama of an early morning mountain sunrise. And as my eyes
took in the awe inspiring and impossible scenery around me I felt
a sudden dark shadow of confusion pass quickly through my mind.
At first I thought I had somehow been turned around during the
fury of my new awakening. For before me I saw only one path. Not
the two divergent, beckoning, and dark trails that I remembered
from what seemed like only a moment (an eternity?) before. No.
Just one path. Soft and smooth with the growth of soft, fresh
grass and flowers replacing the rough, frozen, rock strewn trail
on which I had been walking. I glanced quickly behind then forward
again. One path. One direction. And I suddenly wondered if there
had ever been two paths at all. Was the whole experience just
a figment of an exhausted mind and body's overwrought imagination?
A hallucinatory phenomenon? Or was is something else? Perhaps
there never was another path to choose from or perhaps the unknown
and all powerful energy had taken me further into it's embrace
without me realizing that a choice was ever consciously made.
And none of it seemed to matter. What is past is past and cannot
be undone. Decisions made and choices taken set fire to the bridges
of the past. Whatever possible fate might await someone having
made a different choice is lost in the mystery of time. We are
where we are because we can be no other place and can only go
in one direction through time. Forward. And so I did. The path
was much smoother and wider now. The huge evergreens pulled back
from the edges to allow for less of a feeling of claustrophobic
passage towards my unknown destination. The path appeared no more
traveled than before but nature had not been so harsh to this
ground. Replacing the jagged rocks and rain carved sculpture of
the hard packed earth was soft, fertile soil. A deep rich brown
not unlike the color of freshly ground coffee beans. A soft growth
of new spring grass sprouted from the ground forming a plush six
inch deep emerald green carpet. Looking forward I could see the
grass waving gently back and forth in the breeze giving me an
impression of ocean waves flowing in the direction I was now walking.
A quickening urge pulled me along on the grassy current as my
heart beat faster and harder in my chest. The near total exhaustion
of before (how long before?) was now a fading memory hovering
at the edges of my awareness. I felt as if I had gained strength
and forbearance from the natural forces of beauty surrounding
me. And deep in my chest I began to feel a hunger. Not for food
or drink, but for whatever lay ahead, calling to me ever more
As the bright orange sun broke free of the tree line the path
abruptly ended. Not so much ended as transformed. It became
an earthen walkway stretching forward across a crystalline blue
lake. The lake in turn arced outward in a gentle circle. A perfect
circle. Almost too well formed to have been created by nature,
but too beautiful to have been created by man. The evergreens
formed the outer edges of the lake enclosing it on all sides.
I stepped onto the walkway and almost jumped back onto the trailing
edge of the path. The ground here seemed to be vibrating. Not
an uncomfortable feeling at all but not anticipated. The vibrations
traveled up my legs to my trunk bringing with them the sensation
of a thousand soft fingers caressing every part of me. I felt
a strange eroticism spreading from my groin throughout my entire
body. As if I was being casually seduced by the pure beauty of
this mystifying place. My mind, still reeling from the sudden
change of events, caused me to glance backwards ever so briefly
towards the path as if my instinct was considering a possible
escape. A chill passed quickly down my spine when I saw the path
was no longer there. Gone. Not just hidden in the trees, more
like it was never there. The circle was complete, and there appeared
to be no escape.
But I felt no fear. There was no malevolence to this place. Evil
would never dare penetrate into this fortress of peace and enchantment.
It seemed that nature, or something, had carved out a special
place on earth to use as it's own private hideaway. Admission
granted by invitation only. A private room with an incredible
and magnificent view. My body was responding to the vibration
in a most pleasant and wonderful fashion. I felt energized and
invulnerable. Every fear, every disillusionment, and every trace
of reluctant skepticism over this magical place was swept away
like a rose petal tossed into a whirlwind. I had never felt so
vibrant and alive in my life. And then, out of the corner of my
eye I noticed (or felt?) something shift and move in my peripheral
vision. Wondering what other feats of magic were to be performed
for my viewing pleasure, I turned. In the center of the previously
empty lake I saw what appeared to be a dense fog or mist rising
from the water. Much like I would expect to find at the base of
a towering waterfall, but there was no waterfall in sight. I had
a sudden, ridiculous thought that perhaps this place was a haven
for angels who came here to create clouds for the deep blue sky
overhead. And that maybe I was witnessing just such an occurrence.
I quickly dismissed the thought when I realized it wasn't fog
or mist at all. It was smoke. And it wasn't coming from the lake
as it had first appeared to be. It was rising out in lazy currents
from a chimney attached to what from the distance looked to be
a small log cabin set in the exact center of the lake. I didn't
remember seeing any of this when I first stepped off the path
but my mind had apparently decided not to question anything I
saw here. So I just accepted the appearance for what it was and
dared not question the origin. The cabin sat on a small island.
The ground surrounding the cabin formed another perfect circle.
A circle within a circle. On all sides it sloped gently downward
towards the edges of the lake. I could see the soft flowing ripples
of the lake lapping against the edge of this island, caressing
it with wet, tender strokes. A dull roar could be heard in the
distance. Again I was reminded of a waterfall but none could be
The vibration of the ground had lessened somewhat leaving me in
a very relaxed, comfortable state of mind and body. Much like
the calm, indefinable pleasure I felt after making love. And the
force that had beckoned me here grew ever stronger and more insistent.
In fact it seemed to be almost visibly directed at me from the
cabin itself. So this was it. This was what I had traveled all
my life to find. A simple, log cabin placed almost thoughtfully
in the center of a beautiful, calm lake high up in these great
towering mountains. Not a very dramatic or remarkable discovery
in and of itself except for one thing. The smoke rising gently
out of the chimney suggested the cabin was occupied. And if so,
I was no longer alone. Someone else had gotten here first. Possibly
called here in much the same manner as myself. Or, possibly even
(should I dare to think?) whoever, or whatever might be waiting
inside was the entity that called me here. No longer caring
about the whys and hows of the mystical adventure, I smiled to
myself and walked towards the cabin.
Moments later I found myself standing at the hand carved oaken
door of the cabin. Or was it hours? Time seemed to have no meaning
in this place. I had taken another brief glance at my surroundings
and had noticed the sun, though only just risen minutes before,
was now setting below the tree line towards the western side of
the lake. It's dying colors reflected across the water in a multicolored
swirl of oranges and reds. The air around me had taken on the
chill of the approaching evening as the wind coursed across the
lake. Though much less bitter than the somehow distant remembrance
I had of the previous evening, it still held promise for another
cold night ahead. The vibration I had felt earlier had dissipated
immediately after my stepping onto the narrow porch which ran
the length of the cabin's facing side. I noted absently but curiously
that the cabin had no windows. The door in front of me was the
only thing that interrupted the otherwise unbroken line of pine
logs from which the cabin was constructed. The fragrance of pine
was strong. This struck me as somewhat peculiar. As if the cabin
had been built only recently. It appeared to be solidly constructed
but somewhat weather worn which would seem to indicate that it
had been here for quite some time. I reached out to touch the
rough hewn logs and ran my hand gently along the edges of the
logs where they came to meet the door frame. The wood was dry
and small pieces of blackened bark dislodged themselves and fell
to the porch. Certainly not fresh, recently downed logs. Then
I rubbed my fingers together and was surprised to feel a sticky
resistance on my fingertips. Like resin. Pine resin. As could
only be felt if the trees actually were recently cut. Just
another strange but no longer disturbing curiosity that this place
seemed to be so full of. There were no signs of life outside of
the cabin. No stack of firewood neatly placed alongside the walls
of the cabin. No rocking chairs or swings along the porch front.
The earth surrounding the cabin was undisturbed. It was covered
completely by a deep, emerald green garden of grass. The grass
snuggled up tightly to the walls of the cabin in an undisturbed
carpet like pattern. Each individual blade was identical to all
the others. Same height, same color. Even right up against the
walls of the cabin. Not a single dead or sunlight starved blade
underneath the pine shingle overhang of the roof. It was like
the cabin had not been built here at all, but recently placed
I contemplated these unusual details for a short time trying to
make sense of the strange reality I had been suddenly become a
part of. But I knew if there were any answers to be found, they
wouldn't reveal themselves on the porch. Also, the air was growing
much cooler. The sun had now disappeared below the tops of the
forest behind me. The first signs of dusk were beginning to present
themselves. A quickening in the breeze and the first tentative
shadows of evening stretching towards the cabin from the trees
encircling the lake. For a few moments more I listened quietly
at the door for sounds of life from within. There was nothing.
Or at least nothing I could identify with as human sounds.
There did seem to be a very low pitched hum emanating from behind
the door. But at the same time it sounded far away. Like the sound
of electrical power lines near a transformer. But there were none
of these icons of civilization anywhere in sight. A brief flash
of indecision passed through my consciousness. Should I knock
on the door or just walk right in? There was no knob or handle.
Just the blank face of the door, seeming to stare at me with blind
ignorance. The brass hinges glowed dully in the dying sunlight
and I could see that the door swung inward. There was no external
lock or clasp to unhook. My civil nature made my decision for
me and I reached cautiously forward and knocked tentatively on
the door. Nothing. No sounds other than the hum I had only recently
noted. No cheery voice inquiring as to my identity. No footsteps
growing louder as they approached the door from inside the cabin.
Nothing. I knocked again, harder this time but still there was
no response. With a deep breath and a silent prayer I pushed on
the door and it swung inward without resistance or so much as
a squeak. Then with a quiet and guarded "Hello? Is there
anybody in there?", I stepped through the doorway into my
When I took my first cautious step inside something seemed to
shift in my awareness. My first sensation was of the contrast
between the growing cold of the early evening at my back and the
warm rush of air from inside the cabin meeting me head on. The
was immediately followed by the strong but not overpowering odor
of burning pinewood from the fireplace set along the right wall
of the cabin. The dim interior was lighted only by the flickering,
dancing flames of the burning logs. Fire flung shadows flitted
across the walls giving me a dizzy, disoriented sensation. As
if I had stepped into some dark, hallucinatory house of flames.
My eyes did not immediately adjust to the dark, dancing interior.
Details of the room were blurred. There seemed to be only one,
perfectly square room. One side was taken up only by the fireplace
over which hung a heavy mantle devoid of any objects one would
expect to see. No family pictures. No grinning deer head staring
out with dead, glazed eyes towards the stranger who had suddenly
entered his domain. No portraits, or trophies. Nothing except
two silver candle holders placed on each end of the mantle. Each
containing a long, slim red unlit candle. Several feet in front
of the fireplace was an unadorned but soft, thick carpet of unidentifiable
fabric. Perhaps lambs wool or soft, downy cotton. In front of
this I could see the back of a hand constructed couch made of
thick mahogany boards padded with apparently handmade cushions.
The cushions were a deep dark red color which blended well with
the chocolate brown rug and dark glowing mahogany arms of the
couch. The front of the couch faced directly towards the fireplace.
As if it's owner saw the flames as a source of entertainment and
wonder. It was obviously the centerpiece of the room. There were
no end tables or chairs nearby. Directly in front of me was a
simple pine table with two hand built chairs pushed neatly against
the rough edge of the table. A small crystal vase of incredibly
beautiful blood red roses sat in the center of the table on a
white linen square of cloth.
To my left was what appeared to serve as the kitchen area. There was a large, squat, cast iron cooking stove which reminded me of old western paintings I had seen as a young boy. From simple hooks hung a small collection of cooking
utensils, pots, and pans. Their polished silver skin reflected
the orange flames from the fireplace appearing almost as liquid.
As my eyes adjusted to the new environment I sensed the door swing
quietly closed behind me but I felt no sense of panic or desire
to back out of the simple but hypnotizing room with it's absence
of luxury. There was only one other door present in the cabin.
What might have been a pantry was set into the wall of the kitchen
area with it's simple door hanging slightly open. No evidence
of a bathroom or bedroom or even so much as a storage closet.
Tucked into one corner near the fireplace was a large, futon like
mat similar in material and color to the rug but much thicker
and uneven. A simple thin cotton blanket lay neatly across the
mat with two pillows carefully tucked against the wall. Beyond
those sparse and utilitarian furnishings, there was nothing. No
pictures or decorations adorned the walls of the cabin. I noted
that along each wall was a small shelf. Just large enough to hold
candles identical to the ones on the mantle.
There was no need to call out again. There was no one here. And
other than the flickering fire glowing brightly throughout the
room and the obviously fresh vase of flowers on the table, there
was no evidence that anyone had ever been here. Except me. My
shadow danced along the walls, intermingling with the fire shadows
cast in maddening patterns around the room. I laughed out loud
and thought to myself, "Well the is just great, I walk a
million miles through hell to get to some magical mystery place
expecting great wonders of enlightenment and there is nobody home".
I felt a deep sense of disappointment and abandonment. And the
almost overwhelming desire to scream my frustration and loneliness
to the stark, empty cabin. But I didn't. I remained stone silent
as the first tears of defeat welled up in my eyes. The room had
an aura about it though. A feeling of anticipation and yearning
seemed to project outward from the very walls. Unlike the force
which had led me here which had immediately vanished when I stepped
through the doorway, as if it's job had been completed. Underneath
the crackling and shifting of the burning logs I could still imagine
I heard that strange hum I had noted earlier. There was still
something to come. I knew that. Or at least I felt I had to continue
believing that or be forever lost and trapped within my own desire
for something that would never be.
I considered all of this for an uncertain length of time while
my tear filled eyes continued to sweep almost desperately around
the room. Looking for something, anything, that would confirm
what I so longingly wanted to believe. The sound of the wind outside
had increased in intensity. It had turned into a mournful howl.
The scream of discontented souls sentenced to forever protest
the passing of hope and faith. The feeling of exhaustion began
to creep back into my body and mind as I walked slowly across
the room towards the fireplace. I was just getting ready to rest
my head on the mantle and let the tears flow out in the torrent
I knew they would become when I saw a small piece of paper laying
innocently on the smooth polished wood. With tear stung eyes and
trembling hands I held the note up so the light of the fire could
illuminate the elegant writing I saw painstakingly written upon
its surface. Two brief sentences, written in beautiful script
met my gaze:
Though I had no idea who had written the note or how
many hours, or days, or lifetimes it had lain here waiting for
the moment, I knew it had been written for me. Beyond that I knew
or sensed nothing. Nor did I need to. Whatever was to be from
this moment on was meant to be and far beyond my mortal ability
to understand or comprehend. I stepped backwards without looking,
towards the mat never lowering the note or taking my eyes off
the words I had spent a life time waiting to read. I didn't know
who or what this person was or whether it was just meant to inform
me of my fortunate destiny but I knew I would eventually find
the answer to that question and a thousand others which rushed
through my weary brain. I didn't even remember sitting down on
the mat but the next thing I knew I was lying flat on my back
with my head resting softly in the downy comfort of the pillow.
I clutched the note tightly in my hands and stared with fatigued
and burning eyes at the dancing shadows flittering back and forth
on the ceiling of the cabin. And with the wind screaming it's
cold violent epithets at the injustice of the lonely life I had
thus far led, I let my eyes draw closed. And I slept. The deep,
and well deserved sleep of the soldier of fortune I had unwittingly
and unknowingly become.
And I dreamed...of many things. Rapid, shifting images and visions
playing on the screen of my unconscious mind. I dreamed of oceans.
I was alone on a small sailboat, sailing smooth azure blue seas
towards a dazzling island paradise. The irritable screech of circling
gulls floated down on the ocean breeze. The sun was bright and
hot and I felt a sense of anticipation. The sandy white beach
loomed larger and larger into view. The grains of sand reflected
the sun in a million colorful sparkles as if the beach was littered
with tiny diamond chips. When my boat drew near enough I jumped
overboard and swam in the warm, tropical water towards the beach.
I saw dozens of multicolored seashells dotting the beach as I
pulled myself from the sea. Thousands of palm and tropical fruit
trees dotted the land. Each leaning over with it's heavy load
of ripe inviting fruit. I stepped up to the nearest tree and sat
down in the shade to rest for a moment. Briefly I closed my eyes
and drifted. When I opened my eyes again the sea and the trees
and the shells had all disappeared. In amazement I looked around
and saw nothing but miles and miles of the same bright sparkling
sand. And nothing else. The sun seemed much hotter and less forgiving
in the empty desert. Vultures rode the air currents high overhead
and watched with considerable interest the one solitary figure
sitting motionless in the sand. The heat bore down on me like
a train. Suffocating me and burning my lungs as I breathed the
dry scalding air. I rose unsteadily to my feet and turned away
from the glaring light of the sun and saw a peaceful green oasis
only yards away. I stumbled towards the outer edge of the grassy
island of refuge sitting improbably in the middle of the otherwise
barren land. I dropped to my knees alongside a unnaturally cool
and inviting pool of water and drank deeply to quench my choking
thirst. When I arose I found myself standing on a narrow ledge
of a rocky outcropping close against the side of a mist shrouded
mountain. I seemed to be near the top and I followed the ledge
carefully as it widened slightly and twisted around the jagged
rocky face. I looked cautiously over the edge and saw a panoramic
view of the mountain valley below. I could see a pair of eagles
hurtling towards some unseen prey on another ledge further down
the side of the mountain. Then I heard a primal screech of victory
and could imagine the razor sharp claws gripping tightly around
whatever unfortunate creature happened to draw the attention of
these beautiful but horrible predators. The dull orange sun on
the other side of the pinnacle cast a golden aura around the summit
of the mountain. The air was still and quiet as I walked the last
few steps to the top. Just as I stepped into the perimeter of
the aura the ground beneath my feet shifted and I lost my balance.
For one terrifying moment time seemed to stand still. Then in
slow motion, I slipped further and fell from the ledge. An unexpected
feeling of weightlessness came over me as my body twirled gracefully
and rapidly through the still mountain air. Strangely there was
no fear. Just a sense of utter peace as the green and brown checkerboard
ground grew larger and larger in my eyes. I felt a sudden upward
jerk and glanced upward to see a rainbow tinted parachute billowing
open above me. My headlong plunge transformed into a gradual floating
glide just before my feet settled softly back to the welcoming
earth. The cool silk of the parachute settled over my body as
I lay gratefully on the sun warmed ground. I lay perfectly still
for a moment then stirred slightly. I pulled the parachute cloth
(blanket) from my eyes and looked out into the cabin where my
dreams had begun.
The fire had burned down into a angry glow of embers and the bitter
coldness of the night had crept deeper into the silent and empty
room. I pulled the blanket up more tightly around me and again
drifted smoothly back to sleep. How long I slept or how many dreams
I had I never knew. But each one seemed to center around the theme
of my journey. A rugged adventure through harsh and sometimes
beautiful lands in search for some unknown and unknowable conclusion.
Much, much later I again stirred from the quiet fantastic inward
journey. My eyes took several seconds to focus. In a sleep induced
haze I noted that the fire was again burning brightly in the fireplace.
The dreamy observance did not immediately raise any questions
in my re-awakening mind. Then with the suddenness of a lightning
bolt the significance of the simple fact forced the last spider
webs of sleep from my mind and I jolted upright in the bed. And
I stared wide eyed into the room which was no longer empty.
The violent flickering light from the flames washed over the room
illuminating every object in a maddening and disorienting cluster
of shadows and reflections. They danced and swirled and twisted
painting the entire room in a palette of red, orange and yellow
patterns. But they seemed to converge on the couch where my wide
eyes settled on the face of the most beautiful woman I could ever
remember seeing in my life.
She was curled against the padded arm, holding one blood red rose
in her hands and calmly smiling at me through the dancing shadows
that seemed to be everywhere at once. Her deep, dark brown, eyes
reflected the flames giving the impression of small ebony pools
of liquid fire. They were warm, sensual, and seemed to reach not
only towards me but deeply inward. I had seen these eyes before.
Somewhere, someplace in a dream or in my imagination, but they
were eerily familiar. Her long, wavy brown hair flowed in glowing
cascades along the side of her ivory face and over her smooth
bare shoulders. She had long graceful fingers with carefully sculptured
nails. One hand rested alongside her long trim thigh and the other
slowly twirled the flower just beneath her lovely, and slightly
flaring nose. Her small, mischievously smiling lips were parted
slightly revealing her small, perfectly straight teeth. The pearly
white stood out in stark contrast to the cavorting shadows which
seemed to caress her entire body. Her other facial features were
vague and undefined. As if seen through a veil. She was dressed
in a simple cream colored and form fitting toga like dress which
rode high on her tanned legs. It was both revealing in it's simplicity
and incredibly alluring. The sensual swell of her average sized
and perfectly formed breasts was clearly outlined and they rose
and fell very slightly with her soft breathing. My eyes feasted
on the angelically pure vision of a true enchantress like those
of a starving man who had inadvertently stumbled into a table
filled with gourmet delights. For one incredible and insane moment
I thought I saw the vague outline of transparent golden wings
flutter behind her curiously tilted head. The thought of speech
never occurred to me. I just continued to look intensely at her
as my mind tried to convince me that I was still dreaming.
In a most fabulous and stimulating voice she spoke, <Hi, thank
you for coming>. Amazingly it seemed that she didn't make any
sounds at all. Rather it felt more like her understated and somehow
simply sweet words of welcome were flashed across my minds eye
like those across a computer screen. I heard (read? saw? felt?)
them touch a place inside me like a warm, fuzzy caress. Finally,
I found my tongue and forced myself to respond. "Where am
I?", I asked.
<You are where you need to be. Here. With me>, I felt her
say, <and I am where I want to be. Here. With you>, then
<here, this is for you>. With that she uncurled like some
magnificent cat and walked (floated?) over to the mat.
the rose against her beautiful full lips. They pouted slightly
as she placed a kiss in the center of the bloom then stretched
out her arm to me, holding the flower like a magic wand. With
my mind still reeling over the wondrous creature now standing
inches from me, I reached up to take the flower from her hands.
My fingers momentarily brushed against hers and I again felt a
slight vibration much like before, but this one more subtle. More
like a warm tingle along my fingertips, spreading quickly and
surely up the length of my outstretched hand and arm. I pulled
the flower to my own lips, never taking my eyes off of hers, and
kissed the spot that her own lips had so recently touched. "Thank
you", I whispered. The warm tingle came again, this time
to my lips and spreading over my entire face. It caused my breath
to catch in my throat slightly as I felt the small hairs on the
back of my neck stand up. The rose gave off a strong, sweet fragrance
but underneath it I smelled something much more intriguing and
mysterious. I could not immediately place it but it reminded me
of honey, and baby powder, and strangely, ice cream. An unusual
but most wonderful combination of odors which seemed to flow off
of her like a fine mist. I inhaled deeply to fill my lungs with
the essence of her nearness.
I found my speech again and stated simply, and almost religiously,
"You are most amazingly beautiful, are you an angel, are
<Awwww>, she said, <How sweet you are. Yes, I am real
and perhaps I'm an angel. But I'm as real as you want me to be
and as real as you are to me>, then, <touch me and you will
see>. She then knelt down on the mat with me. Her hair falling
forward to lay over her breasts. <And you may kiss me if you
I couldn't think of a thing appropriate to say in return and had
learned a long time ago that sometimes actions were more important
than words. So I simply did as I was asked. I held out my arms
to pull her towards me but before I could move them any further
she fell into me, her smile now much wider. Her lips glistened
as she move her face towards mine and just before our lips met
I could see the dance of flames from the fireplace reflecting
from their moist surface. My arms enclosed her in a tight embrace
and I lay my hands firmly against her strong smooth back as I
disappeared into the delight of this most incredible moment. My
entire body began to tingle and hum as her soft lips pressed more
urgently against my own. Our tongues met tentatively for the first
time then, more sure of ourselves and the intensity of the feeling,
they intertwined in their own sensational dance. My hands moved
gently up and down her back then wound themselves in her silky
flowing hair as I pulled her ever tighter against my wildly pounding
chest. Beneath the yielding swell of her chest I could feel the
steady, and healthy beat of her own heart as our hearts beat in
The room and everything in it seemed to fade into some small part
of my imagination as my senses were overtaken by the flow of energy
I felt being transferred between us. The tension and stress of
a thousand lonely nights emptied rapidly from my heart and soul.
They were replaced by a warmth and tenderness and emotional strength
that I had never known. The kiss continued for several moments
until I felt as if my heart would burst through my chest. A darkness
began to tease at the edges of my thoughts until I realized that
I had been holding my breath the whole time we had been embraced.
With a reluctance born of necessity we separated and looked deeply
into each other's eyes. It was if we were trying to look far beneath
the surface of each other's thoughts, down to where the inner
peace and love of all ages could be found. Our breathing was quickened
by the after effects of the kiss.
For what seemed like several minutes we just looked at each other.
Trying to absorb the importance and uniqueness of the special
circumstance in which we had suddenly become willing partners.
It felt as if we had known each other for all time. Like different
parts of a greater whole who had been inadvertently separated
by the turns and twists of our lives. Our eyes roamed curiously
and appreciatively over each others face and bodies. No words
passed between us for there seemed to be too many words to say
and too many questions to ask to even know where to begin. The
radiant warmth of the fire seemed to pale in comparison to the
heat that filled the small space between our bodies. My fingers
were still twirling distractedly through her hair. I could still
taste her on my lips and licked them absently in a subconscious
desire to pull her essence into my body.
<That was nice>, she said softly, <can we do it again?>.
I smiled and raised one hand to her face. Gently tracing my fingers
along the soft line of her temple, then her cheek and down towards
her jaw. She leaned her head slightly into my touch then turned
to place a small kiss on my fingertips as they passed near her
lips. We seemed to be communicating on a much deeper level than
words could express alone. Our eyes were locked together in the
stillness of the room as our minds communed in quiet wonder. We
could see each others reflection in our eyes and it gave us the
impression of looking not only at each other but into ourselves
as well. She had those incredible eyes whose rich, fertile earth
colors swirled in rhythm to her mood. I casually brushed her hair
back from her glowing face and again pulled her willing body close
to mine. Again our lips met. The time, more urgently. Hungrily.
Wanting to lose ourselves in the intensity of the embrace. And
this time I didn't forget to breathe. The kiss was deeper, longer,
and even more enjoyable and stimulating than the first. I was
afraid she would pull away as my desire became more insistent
but she just melted even deeper into my softly stroking arms.
The kiss seemed to last forever but forever didn't seem to be
long enough. The heavy, pleasurable sounds of our breathing drowned
out the crackling logs in the fireplace as well as the strengthening
winds outside the cabin. The excitement of the moment caused a
dizzying sensation and we lost our balance on the soft mat. We
fell in slow motion to our sides but never lost our intimate contact.
Finally we broke away for only an instant then pulled each other
close again with renewed passion. Like two swimmers briefly breaking
the surface of the water for a quick breath before diving back
deeper into some underwater paradise we couldn't bear to abandon.
The softness of her body pulled tightly against me contrasted
perfectly with my strong, almost desperate grip on her shoulders
and back. My entire body vibrated and hummed in a now familiar
fashion. With increasing emotion and passion I moved my hands
lower along her back to the elegant flare of her hips. I pulled
her even tighter against myself as I felt a hardening in my groin.
She responded by wrapping her own arms tightly around my neck
and back, trailing her exquisite nails along my spine. The room
seemed to be spinning with the force of the sensual energy being
released by our straining bodies. Her own heat began to rise from
her center and spread throughout her vital and excited flesh.
Any questions we may have had about the "rightness"
of the encounter were forever lost in our fevered thoughts.
Her short dress had slipped further up her thighs and I slipped
my hands teasingly over her bottom and nudged her legs slightly
apart. Then I pushed further between her legs and explored the
warm sweet softness I felt there. She moaned softly against my
lips as I gently massaged my fingers against her inner thighs.
Unexpectedly she broke the kiss long enough to roll me onto my
back while she straddled me and clenched her thighs against my
own. The color of her eyes had changed to an almost animal like
yellowish brown as she pulled the dress over her head in one smooth
movement, tossing it carelessly to the side. The flames from the
fire reflected a warm light against her smooth naked skin and
breasts as she smiled down towards my passionately hungry gaze.
A thin glaze of perspiration gave her lightly tanned skin a silvery,
translucent glow. Within moments I shed my clothes completely
in a hurried attempt to free my body from the now uncomfortable,
and somehow unnatural harshness of the cloth against my
heated skin. With unashamed and innocent wonder we let our eyes
feast on the visions of natural beauty of each other's exposed
She again let her soft fingers and tantalizing nails trace a tingly
line down my chest and abdomen. As she encountered my smooth hardness
she gripped it tightly and leaned down towards my burning eyes.
She slipped further up my body, releasing her grip on me and replacing
it with the warm wetness between her legs. Her lower lips spread
slightly to wrap around my member but did not take me inside.
The time it was my turn to moan with a deep animal growl of pure
pleasure. I reached up to pull her closer and placed my lips on
the outer edge of her left breast. Softly kissing and licking
the firm hot flesh. I took one hard nipple into my mouth, sucking
ever so gently and teasing the tip with my slashing tongue. Then
the other, and back and forth over and over again till she wriggled
against me with an impatient display of her pleasure. Her movements
excited me even more and I felt I would explode if I couldn't
break the tension of her velvet grip on my groin. I rolled her
over onto her back and separated long enough to insure she was
comfortable and happy in the new position. When I saw there were
no protests I knelt between her legs, leaned over and again kissed
her deeply as I stared into the gates of heaven I saw in her eyes.
Her hair lay in a tousled jumble of cascading waves on the pillow.
Again I drank in the absolute and sensual beauty of her body feeling
an almost overpowering urge to plunge myself deep inside her.
But not yet. No, now it was my turn to bring her to the heights
of erotic pleasure I had felt moments before. I began again to
kiss her heated skin with short quick brushes of my lips and tongue.
I started on her forehead then moved methodically to her eyelids,
her cheeks, her neck, and the soft sensitive flesh below and behind
her ears. Then I shifted my attention downward. Again pleasuring
her chest, her breasts and nipples and down along her side. Her
ever so soft whimpers and exhalations indicated that she was indeed
enjoying my loving worship of her passionate body. I moved further
down her torso. Licking, kissing and gently nibbling the skin
of her smooth abdomen. The fragrance of her excitement rose in
soft waves and I breathed deeply through my nose to sample her
pure essence. Tenderly I spread her legs further apart and lowered
my face into the soft triangle of hair just below her navel. Using
my lips and tongue I spread her lips apart and tasted her wetness.
Carefully I took the hardened button I found there between my
lips and massaged it with my tongue. Her soft whimpers changed
to deeper groans of ecstasy as she pressed herself more firmly
against my mouth. I moved my mouth lower, spreading her lips further
with my fingers as I licked harder and harder along her folds.
She tasted of honey and soft summer rain. I explored every part
of her, pressing harder and more insistently against her in wavelike
patterns. She responded in kind, moving her hips side to side
and alternately pressing her thighs tightly against the sides
of my face, then releasing. Her hands pressed against the back
of my head, trying to pull me deeper into her molten center. Her
fingers roamed restlessly through my hair as she came closer and
closer to her sweet moment of release. Her passion was escalating
rapidly as I continued in my efforts to bring her to the summit
of her desire. Her hips swung side to side now and she arched
her back upwards. As she lifted her hips free of the bed, pushing
urgently against my face I slipped my hands under the perfect
curve of her buttocks and pulled her tightly to my face. Once
more I found the center of her pleasure and gripped it tightly
between my lips, lashing at it rapidly with my tongue.
She came with a forcefulness that almost threw me over completely.
I moved my mouth and lay my head firmly on her lower abdomen as
my hands gripped and released her bottom in perfect rhythm to
the waves of pleasure I could sense flowing upwards. She cried
out unintelligibly as they reached her pleasure centers and lifted
her senses to erotic heights. As she settled back onto the mat
I slid my body up to lock my eyes into hers. Like an erotic missile
I entered her completely, pushing my hands under her shoulders
and pulling her tightly against me. Her silky wetness gripped
me tightly and I could feel the small inner spasms as they continued
to pulsate around my hardness. In a slow gentle rhythm I pulled
back then re-entered to her deepest center. She wrapped her legs
around my lower back urging me on and whispering quietly in my
ear. I was lost in my own pleasure now and was beyond hearing
or understanding her words. Though my own ecstasy had dimmed somewhat
while concentrating on giving her the pleasure she desired, they
quickly rose again as I increased the rhythm and force of my penetrations.
I continued for as long as I could, holding back occasionally
when I threatened to release, only to renew my thrusts when I
felt her again reaching those dizzying heights of passion. When
I could hold back no longer I pushed deeply into her and lifted
her hips with strong hands to get ever deeper inside her. I looked
briefly into her smiling eyes when I felt the first spasms of
my own orgasm beginning to course along my spine and into my groin.
I could feel her gripping forces on my hardness as I came. My
own pulsations must have brought her over the edge again as well.
We both exploded together into some fantastic world of pure delight
as our mouths again met in a deep, probing kiss. We felt as if
we were riding a huge warm ocean wave moving rapidly towards some
beautiful shore where all the pleasures and promises of the world
could be found. Then suddenly the wave crashed to shore and we
were left smiling and satisfied on the warm soft sand of our mutual
We both experienced a subtle, floating sensation as our previously
released consciousness settled slowly back into our bodies. Then
sometime later, still wrapped tightly in each other's arms. We
slept. Once during that long incredible night we awoke for a short
while. Just long enough to again make love and share the most
intimate parts of ourselves with each other. This time was slower,
more relaxed but no less wondrous and special than the other.
Then again, we drifted to our separate worlds and dreamed peacefully.
But not of some distant search for truth and meaning to our lives.
No darkly colored vision haunted our unconscious minds. For our
search was over. The light of new life and love had entered into
our lives and our souls in the special place where we now lay.
Still naked but clothed with the certainty of a new awareness
of the beauty and promise that could still exist in the lives
of those who never lost faith in the promises of the heart.
We had no idea how long we slept. Many times during the night
we would reach out to one another to touch and hold each other
for a while. Our warm bodies needing the closeness, even in our
deepest dreams. We dreamed of each other, walking warm, sandy
beaches. Laughing as the crystal blue water of uncharted oceans
rushed up to wash over our bare feet. Chasing each other through
deep green forests and fields and watching in awestruck wonder
as the shadows of past regrets ran swiftly from our remembrances
of the past. And in our silent, similar dreams we always found
one another. Two souls, bonded by fate and destiny. Joined together
by some magical power we could neither understand or explain.
In our dreams we walked together through gardens of wild flowers.
Absorbing the beauty of our surroundings. Becoming one with the
natural force of love and multi-colored growth that swayed in
the wake of our passing. Our dreams showed us many things. Secrets
of life yet undiscovered. Secrets of love and gentle kindness
that had been missing from our separate lonely lives. Things and
events of the past previously thought important faded into obscurity
as our minds opened to the possibilities of the future. A soft
and flowing mist drifted through our different but related dreams.
The mist hid the broken dreams and lost ideas of our youth and
surrounded the possibilities of our future in a mystical haze.
We cried out for each other in our sleep. Not cries of fear or
loneliness but cries of love and urgency. The plaintive cry of
a newborn child who has felt the peaceful warmth of it's mother's
tender embrace and desires to be held tightly in her caring arms.
Outside the cabin a storm passed in violent fury with howling
winds and slashing rain but we knew nothing of this. The cabin
held strong and fast. A quiet hideaway for the human souls held
protectively within it's magical walls. Much like our spent passions,
the fire burned down to a glowing bed of angry embers. It's heat
dissipating and failing in it's mission to keep the early spring
chill from the room. But this too was of no real consequence.
When the creeping chill of the room touched our sleeping bodies
we just held each other closer. We were as one, separate yet melded
into a more complete whole. Two pieces of life's strange puzzle,
pulled together to consummate the marriage of heart and soul into
a combined energy which could withstand the forces of nature's
desire to erode and destroy. The musky odor of our combined desires
filled the room with a fragrance of love and togetherness that
completely overwhelmed our senses, even in our sleep. And we dreamed
on through the night. Not as distinct and dissimilar individuals,
but as one entity, born of love's strong embrace.
I awakened first. When my consciousness first returned to my control
I was afraid to open my eyes. For fear of what I might see or,
more importantly, not see. But the fear was short lived. Even
with my eyes closed I could sense my angel's closeness. I could
smell her inexplicable honey/baby powder/ice cream fragrance.
And I could feel her warmth next to me. For a moment I reveled
in the memory of my feelings. Then I opened my eyes and saw her
lying in quiet and peaceful repose next to me. She was lying on
her back with her head turned towards my adoring eyes. Waves of
appreciative joy rolled sensuously through my thoughts as I carefully
examined the miraculous beauty lying next to me. I took this voyeuristic
opportunity to meticulously explore her sleeping form with my
eyes. Her peacefully relaxed face held no lines of worry or regret.
For some odd and inexplicable reason, her face again seemed to
be covered by a thin, misty veil. With her eyes now close there
seemed to be no resemblance to any person I had ever known or
met. But somehow it seemed that we had met before. Perhaps in
previous lives or previous dreams. Her skin seemed almost translucent.
I was overcome by an urge to reach over and touch her lips with
my own. So I did. She stirred slightly but did not open her eyes.
Instead she smiled. A small, angelic smile of one who has the
power to conquer the world. My eyes traveled further, to the aquiline
juncture of her neck with her strong jawline. Again I leaned over
carefully and place a small kiss in the hollow of her throat.
She murmured quietly in her sleep and smiled even more. An infinitesimal
giggle escaped from her slightly parted lips. Her full, firm breasts
lay in soft glowing shadows, rising and falling with the rhythm
of her breathing. Her nipples now soft and inviting but I dared
not touch them for fear I would awaken the sleeping beauty. My
gaze roamed over her chest and abdomen. I lingered over the well
defined muscles beneath the silky, almost transparent skin. Her
navel was a dark period, like the dot at the end of an exclamation
point. An ending and a new beginning as my eyes traveled lower.
The dying embers highlighted the tiny hairs below her navel, painting
them a soft shade of burnt orange. They lay in glistening splendor,
pointing out a delicious trail to the light brown triangle between
her smooth, barely parted legs. I felt a familiar stirring below
my waist. But I would not allow it to break my revelry of concentration.
I wanted only to burn these sensational pictures of pure beauty
into my mind where they could be treasured for a lifetime. Her
pubic hair was in disarray, it's otherwise smooth perfection tangled
and twisted in a haphazard pattern caused (I fondly remembered)
by my recent visit there. But still it curved gracefully to outline
her yielding entrance to paradise. Her lower lips, closed now,
called out promises of love and sensational delights yet to be
With mild embarrassment over my growing excitement, I glanced
up at her eyes and was momentarily startled to see her calm, penetrating
gaze focused on my now rapidly reddening face. She smiled knowingly
and whispered softly, <See something you like?>.
"Ah...well...yes," I said, "everything I see I
like." Then, as I recovered quickly from my needless embarrassment,
"Everything you are, and every thing that has happened here
tonight I like. No that's not right either, I love it, and I love
you. I don't know who you are, where you came from, or what kind
of magic brought us here but I don't ever want it to end. And
uh...hmmm...I really wanted to kiss you awake."
<Oh...but you did my love, your eyes kissed every part of my
body. I could feel you even in my dreams. And now I'm just waiting
for your lips>. With that golden invitation, I leaned towards
her and she didn't have to wait any more.
Sometime later, after having lost ourselves in each other yet
again, we rose. The fire had long since burned away to nothing
more than a collection of blackened ashes but the cabin had somehow
maintained it's warmth. We felt no need or desire to dress. It
seemed almost wrong somehow to hide our bodies from each
other after we had so willingly shared them throughout the night.
We also felt no hunger. It was almost as if this place could sense
our needs even before they became apparent and provide the necessary
comfort so our attentions could be solely provided to each other
without any other distractions. However, the small cabin had become
somewhat claustrophobic and we were drawn to the cabin door out
of some basic instinct for fresh air and a release from it's confinement.
I pulled open the door, bracing myself for the cold rush of air
I expected to surge from the lake over my bare skin. But the air
that slipped in through the open door had only the slightest hint
of coolness and carried with it an incredibly potent mix of nature's
fragrances. The scent of wild flowers, rain, fresh grass, and
mountain air filled the room. It called to us on some very basic
level and we stepped out into the brightness of the day.
The lake had changed. Tall, emerald grass had replaced the gently
flowing ripples. It waved back and forth delicately in the breeze.
It reminded the two of a Polynesian dancer's grass skirt when
she swayed entranced to the music of some ancient love song. What
was once a cool, inviting lake was now filled with an exquisite
meadow of flowers. The entire field was dotted with tiny purple
and teal blooms which stood out against the deep green of the
grass like drops of oil paint on a green felt background. Hundreds
of multicolored butterflies fluttered to and fro amongst the flowers,
stopping only long enough to kiss the tips of the beautiful blossoms
with their wings then flitting quickly away as if to tell others
of the sensational discovery. The bright, warm sun was directly
overhead and there were no shadows to be seen except amongst the
darker green trees encircling the field. Above the treeline, majestic
blue mountains could be seen. Their snow capped peaks reflecting
the sunlight back with awesome clarity.
Initially I was almost overwhelmed by this miraculous change in
the lake but a soft acceptance of the impossible and improbable
had settled into my questioning mind. None of the rules of nature
seemed to apply here. None of the rules mattered anymore. The
moral seemed to be not to question the experience, but to live
it. To embrace it with a new sense of awareness and acceptance.
To integrate it into the realm of possibility and promise which
had been sorely missing from my life.
We stepped off of the porch and into the deep grass, our eyes
wide open in silent awe of the incredible sight. The butterflies,
curious as to the nature of these intruders into their paradise,
flew around us in great numbers. Coming just close enough to brush
our naked bodies briefly then flying away. It felt as if a thousand
small feathers were stroking our skin at once, leaving behind
tiny tickles of pleasure as they departed. The sky was a deep,
almost translucent, cerulean blue. It was perfectly clear with
the exception of one large, dark but somehow non-threatening,
thunder cloud over head. As we walked hand in hand, shoulders
barely touching, through this wonderland the cloud passed between
us and the sun. We stopped and looked up as the dark shadow passed
over and enveloped us. The pregnant underside of the cloud released
a thick veil of falling rain. As the cool but not uncomfortable
drops fell on us, we stood perfectly still. Standing silently
and gratefully close as the rain washed over us, soaking us and
washing away the remnants of our night of love making. When the
shower passed we felt cleansed and renewed. As if we had been
baptized by our love for one another and blessed by the natural
beauty of this magical place.
We walked together until we came to the edge of the surrounding
treeline then followed it slowly around. And we talked of many
things. Our hopes, our dreams, and our fears. Our hearts poured
out emotions long submerged and almost forsaken. Dreams that had
been lost and feelings suppressed by the sometimes bitter sting
of unfairness that is so much a part of everyone's reality. We
learned of each others needs and desires. Probing each other gently
to tear away the masks and walls of self protection that were
not needed in this place. We learned of our similarities, which
were many, and our differences, which were few. And we found out
the one thing we each held most important in our lives and closest
to our hearts was the idea of friendship. On all levels. Both
between lovers and close acquaintances, friendship had to come
first. It was the emotional glue that bonded two souls together.
The mutual caring and compassion and thoughtfulness towards another
person's feelings. The desire to touch those feelings in small
but unique and special ways to make the other feel wanted and
needed...and loved. Friendship was the key to every relationship.
The fertile soil from which all good and beautiful things could
grow and flourish.
We knew that the journeys we had taken in life had brought us
into the lives of many people. And we had each tried hard to add
a little something to the lives of those people we came to love.
A small but important piece of ourselves that we could give to
the other person to hold onto and cherish. Like a tiny, everlasting
flower of uncommon beauty and sentiment. Some tangible thought
or feeling that could be held tightly when needed to remind them
that they were important and worthy to someone else. Each of us
had given out many of these minute pieces of ourselves unselfishly
to others along the way. Like seeds of love, scattered through
the world. Some had landed in the warm rich soil of friendship
and had bloomed into relationships that would last for a lifetime
and perhaps beyond. Others had fallen on the cold, dark ground
of sterile and sparse individuals who did not have the capacity
to tend the seeds and experience the wondrous joy of the love
contained within. And there had been times, too many times, in
each of our lives when it seemed there were no more seeds to spread.
When the world seemed to be too cold and uncaring for us to risk
losing any more of ourselves in the attempt. But even at these
times we retained our innocent and childlike commitment to our
ideas. Knowing within ourselves that these times would pass. Having
faith in our destiny and strength of purpose to hold on to what
was our most important and essential belief, the belief that love
could and would overcome all obstacles and lead us to the
happiness we needed and deserved.
We didn't fully comprehend the place or understand how or why
we met. But it was of no real consequence. Some questions of fate
are not meant to be answered. And the answers would be far less
revealing than the experience itself. There are many questions
in life that must be answered for one to find their importance
and place in it's cosmic puzzle but questioning the origin of
love was not one of them. Love was meant to be felt and shared
and passed on to others. Not picked apart or scrutinized too closely.
The secrets of the heart would forever and always remain a secret.
As it should be.
Our special communion with each other and with the natural beauty
of the environment continued as the sun slipped towards the western
mountains. Cool shadows reached out from the trees and stretched
towards us like gentle hands of comfort. When the sun finally
dipped below the tallest mountain the sky blazed it's glorious
and sad lament of the dying of the day. But somewhere within the
rainbow colors of the sunset there seemed to be a silent and lovely
promise of more splendor to come. For this was not an ending but
a beginning. An awakening to the possibilities of dreams that
could still come true for both of us. Our long walk and conversation
had left us curiously empty of ourselves yet full of each other.
As if our very souls had been transferred to one another for safe
The first stars of the evening began to appear overhead. We observed
the coming of the night with silent, accepting eyes. We walked
back into the cabin and lay quietly beside each other. There was
no more need for words. Whatever was yet to be learned about the
place and about one another would come in it's own time and in
it's own way. There was no rush or desire to do more than bask
in the new found comfort of our friendship. And so, as the night
brought it's special blend of solace and peace, we held each other
tight and slipped quietly into the realms of our own separate,
but now shared, dreams.
by: Alan W. Goodson
To The Angel and Me II- The Story Continues
Back to The Cabin