From: Sharon Angleman [mailto:firstname.lastname@example.org]
To: Alan W. Goodson
Subject: good nite......
Sent: Friday, October 15, 1999 11:21 PM
You sound so wonderful. The rhythm of your voice is indeed soothing, sensuous, inviting. I can't wait to hear it hum against my ear, against my neck...to feel you groan in pleasure or in comfort against my skin....oh, I am so ready for you...it's been a lifetime. I don't want to wait anymore. Please don't misunderstand this, but I'm almost getting tired and annoyed with words...as much freedom as they give me, I feel bound, my mind, soul and body straining against a mortal shell to break free and run to you. No spoken words, no quilled response - only you and I, wrapped in a lover's embrace so warm with passion it reaches the very core of who we are, and sets our spirits on fire for a lifetime. I once thought, and wrote, of how the closest I would come to this passion was through verse. Now I say in prose, the only way to come to it is through you. My mind screams in anguish it can only express through trembling hands and streaming eyes, grief no poet's pen can capture. I am so ready for you, Alan, the man my heart has always belonged to, I know this in my heart. I know this in my very soul, I love you so very much...I don't want to wait anymore
*******From: Alan W. Goodson [email@example.com]
Still awake here and of course, thinking about you. I enjoy talking to you on the phone, but at the same time it makes me nervous as hell. I guess I never was much of a phone person. Somehow it seems so much colder and distant than even this. Just the pressure to keep the conversation going I suppose, as I think you mentioned. Little pauses seem like a lifetime, and even in face to face conversation I tend to HAVE a lot of pauses...drift away for a bit...but those pauses are so much more "amplified" on the phone. Strange how the mind works.
Weren't there a couple of famous poets that used to write each other these incredible love letters a long time ago? I think it was Robert and Elizabeth Barrett Browning. I think they have some competition...how about you? And I have to say I loved your idea of making it a habit to write each other, even when we ARE together. It might even be more important to do so than what we do now...in some ways. So many things are "forgotten" after a couple get together. It's only natural to a degree I guess. The little ups and downs of daily existence and survival tend to interfere and take priority. For now, we are an "island" to each other. Someone to "escape" to and leave all the other stuff behind. But too often, once two lives are merged, the island sort of sinks a bit. Moments of passion and thoughtfulnes...little kindnesses and "courting gestures" get lost in the race to beat the sun when that blanket of security and complacency settles into a relationship. That is so sad but it happens so often and is probably the root cause of more than its share of break-ups.
Can it be prevented? I've always felt it can...dreamed of that perfect, storybook romance that never ends...as you have. And I've always felt myself capable of bringing that to a relationship. Certainly I'm not perfect and I have my lapses as anyone does, but I do place extreme importance on sensing the mood of my partner. I try in my own way to fit into the places in their life where I am needed. Whether it's to just talk, or make love, or shut up and go away for awhile. But the things that sometimes (if not always) make all the difference are the little unsolicited kindnesses and sensitivity. Knowing the right buttons to push and how to push them as well as when. That's the hardest part and without communication...no...even more than that...without KNOWING a person, it's impossible. Of course, you can't even get to the knowing stage without the communication. Sometimes it becomes a vicious and frustrating circle...making the wrong assumptions can kill a relationship slowly...bit by bit...until one partner or the other begins to think they are ignored or unappreciated or simply left out of their partner's thoughts.
And I agree on your statement above...almost getting tired of words. Although I could probably write and write forever...tell you everything you mean to me...tell you everything I think, feel, want, desire...etc etc. But there comes a time when it all becomes redundant. There are only so many things a person CAN feel. Eventually you run out of ways to say it. I can be pretty creative in those areas but it's not enough just to read the words...the touch has to be there to bring the truth to the words. I can write or say anything about myself. I could make a person think I am the Second Coming of Christ if I tried hard enough. I know how to "sell" myself...say what people want to hear. I have a pretty clear perception of what the "perfect partner" would be for most people and I can create that persona for myself in words without a lot of effort. Or, I could if that was my ulterior motive. Hell, to a degree, I could do it in person and keep the "real me" very well hidden if I was that type of person to do such a thing. And some people it would fool. It might fool them for a long time...long enough for me to get what I wanted from them.
But I also know that wouldn't work with you. And what purpose would there be in it anyway? Happiness comes in pairs...or at least it does for me. I know it sounds corny to say but I really do find my happiness by creating it in others. Maybe its the "healer" in me. Long years of training and practicing the fine art of making people feel better. Or maybe that's why I chose the profession I did in the first place. Either way, and it doesn't really matter which is more true, it's what I'm about. I think, over the years, I've gained a bit of insight into life...what works...what doesn't...what it's about. We're only here for a while and not always a very long while as I see pretty much every day. There probably hasn't been a work week go by in 20 years or longer that I haven't seen somebody die. Sometimes easy and sometimes hard but always with the same result. Some fight it to the last moment...some let go with ease and calm acceptance, even gratitude at times. But what is left behind? Did their existence, regardless of how long, make a difference? Or were they just biologically functioning entities that meant nothing in the greater scheme of things? I think, over the years I've also learned WHY some people calmly accept their ultimate fate and others fight it to the bitter end. It's for the same reason actually. A strange paradox. The ones that go quietly have either had all the love in their lives that they ever wanted or they know they never will. The ones that fight it either have all the love they want and don't want to let it go or they don't have it but still think they can find it if they stay a little longer.
I don't want to go out that last way. I want to leave something of myself behind, even if only in the soul of one person. Rich and famous?...Sure, I'll take it if it comes along and I don't even mind working for it but if that's all their is, then it's all a big joke. What matters to me is to be thought of as someone special. To see the worthwhile emotions I have myself reflected back at me when I am able to touch another person in some way. It validates my existence and makes me feel good about me. When I can get that feeling and make someone else feel the same way about themselves...well, that is as good as it gets in my world. A symbiotic relationship based on mutual appreciation, consideration, affection and all the other good "ions" :-).
Why I haven't been able to find that I don't know. Just as you have questioned yourself about the same things. After a while you start to feel that there is something wrong with you...your vision of perfection is skewed from the reality that exists. Eventually, a person loses faith in the vision and gives up...settles...spending the rest of their lives in some oblivion where the only things that becomes important are self-gratifying experiences. I don't want that life...I've had plenty of it already and it leaves a very large hole where happiness should be. All I need is one person with a like mind and a willingness...no...an unquenchable DESIRE not only to BE happy but to understand what happy IS in the same context that I do. Anything that makes a person content is fine as long as no one is hurt in the process. For some, maybe it is fame, fortune and recognition. But, to me, that kind of life gives nothing back. It is transient and fickle. If a person defines themselves by those standards...what are they left with when their star fades or the stock market crashes or the NEXT BIG THING comes along? Nothing.
But if a person can love and be loved, if they get their pleasure from within, if they define themselves by the degree of happiness they can instill in another person, then it doesn't matter what external events may occur because they've invested in something that can never be depleted. The only hazard there is if you stop "feeding" that other person, if you let the love fade or cease to pluck the inevitable weeds from the garden. The good thing about it is that it costs nothing to be a good person. A little time maybe...sometimes even a lot of effort in regards to compassion and understanding but even those things can be replenished...and WILL be if both people in the relationship are feeding each other. A smile, a kiss, and a touch are cheap but man, they are worth a fortune.
I want that so much, and I want it with you. You are intelligent, determined, enticing, sensitive, resourceful, independent (but let's not get TOO independent, I also need to be needed), and so beautiful. I could go on and on with my perceptions of you as a person but those things come very close to meeting my "standards" for a perfect partner. Oh yeah...there's that sex thing, but I am extremely easy to please in that area, trust me on that one. And one other thing that I probably hold highest of all and that has been missing in every other relationship. Depth. There is so much more to you than meets the eye. That is the intriguing part. To know that depth of character and imagination may take a lifetime, but I'm not doing much with mine at the moment so I'm ready for a little adventure. I'm getting to know you from the inside out and I'm loving everything I see.
I guess that's one advantage of learning about each other through this medium. It takes away the "distractions" of the physical aspects and reaches into areas that can't be seen on the surface. Of course, there comes a time when it becomes necessary to see the end result of all that inner beauty brought forth into the physical realms. And, for both of us, that's where we are. We have the mental "image" (if you want to call it that) of each other's heart, mind, and soul. Can it all be expressed outwardly to feed each other? I think I can do it. I think you can do it. If either of us can't then it's been false advertising and there is no obligation to "settle" for less than each other deserve out of life and love.
I've probably put you to sleep with my meandering essay on how I see the big picture but at least you could always use it against me in court. "HE LIED your honor. He just wanted me for my body and the secret sauce recipe I use on my meatloaf. Oh, and he has cloven hooves too!". What I have is a big heart. I care. I want to have someone to care about. And I want someone to care about me. For a lifetime. I want to go to my grave knowing that I have left the best part of who I am in the soul of someone I loved. And if they go first, I want to know that as they go, they are happy and I was responsible for that happiness. That's as simple as it can be said. Therein lies the only meaningful dream I have. Come with me Sharon. Let me hold your hand and we'll find our way to that dream. We can help each other touch all the things that matter. And that's only the beginning...there are so many places we can go.
All my hugs and kisses...
I Love You,